Tuesday, August 19, 2008

High...um...I mean "hi"

The last time I went to see The Jaw Master Grand Pouba of Physiotherapy with Thumbs of Steel, he put me through so much pain that I was gasping for air, crying, and doing Lamaze breathing to get through the appointment.

I wanted to hate him and swear I would never go back, but the dude's effective - he got my mouth opening from 30 mm to 36 mm in one session.

So, I just swore. A lot.

It takes months to get in with him, which gave me time to psych myself up for round number two. I decided that there was no way I was going into my next session sober. I was going to get very, very high on painkillers first. Fortunately, it doesn't take much to impair my brain function, which made me wonder a bit about the stability of my brain function, a thought that quickly disappeared with two T3s (codeine) taken in the waiting room before my appointment.

By the time they called me in, I was flying. An intern was the first one to see me.

Intern: The Jaw Master Grand Pouba of Physiotherapy with Thumbs of Steel is running a bit late, so I'm here to get you started. How are you doing today?
Bella: I'm doing GREAT!!
Intern: You certainly are chipper today.
Bella: I'm high. He's mean, so I had to get high so I wouldn't have to breathe like I'm giving birth, not that I know what it's like to give birth or anything, but yeah.
Intern: Uh...okay.
Bella: He makes me cry when he uses his Thumbs of Steel.
Intern: I have heard that before, actually. Though I don't know anyone else who had to get high before they saw him.
Bella: I'm special.
Intern: Yes, I can see that.
Bella: Codeine is goooooood.

By the time The Jaw Master Grand Pouba of Physiotherapy with Thumbs of Steel came in, I was even more far gone.

Bella: German orthodontic fetishists like me, you know.
Jaw Master Grand Pouba of Physiotherapy with Thumbs of Steel: [puts Thumbs of Steel in Bella's mouth and pries her jaw open]
Bella: You're mean. Codeine sucks!!
Jaw Master Grant Pouba of Physiotherapy with Thumbs of Steel: [cranks Bella's mouth even farther] Feel that? That's the end of your range of motion. Your mouth won't ever open farther than this because this is how far the bones will let me go. Let's just hold it here for a bit and measure it so we can see where we're at.
Bella: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Then I said a bunch of other weird incoherent stuff I don't really remember and accused him of various human rights abuses. All I know is that they were pretty amused by my altered state.

However, in the end, I discovered that the end of my range of motion is about 47 mm, and in our session, he was able to get me from 42 mm to 44 mm, so I'm pretty much there. By the end of the year, my jaw physiotherapy torture sessions will be a distant, painful memory.

The next time I see him is in December. Hmmm...I'm pretty sure I have some liquid hydromorphone left over from my surgery...


chinderella said...

I have a tear of joy running down my cheek as I'm reading this...:-)

(I'm keeping my leftover codeine for future orthodentist sessions. I'm going to need them.)


Anonymous said...

if you don't mind me asking, who was your orthodontist?

Bella said...


Send me an email and I'll give you the orthodontist's name. I don't really want to post names on my blog. Thanks! My email address is: smilingbella@gmail.com

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